THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972)
Back in 1983 I was first introduced to this film like many
Brits by the Medved brothers’ TV series THE WORST OF HOLLYWOOD showcasing some
of the celluloid stinkers of the past. However, they may have been unfair to
this 1972 AIP release as it’s too consistently and inappropriately funny to be
anything other than intentional spoofery! The dialogue alone is priceless and
even when meant to be serious compounds the hilarity, so I’ll be joyously
quoting it at length here (and giving them the benefit of the doubt
intention-wise). Admittedly there are elements that are just plain wrong but
we’ll get to those as well.
THE THING WITH TWO HEADS is a Blaxploitation companion piece
to the seemingly more serious AIP horror exploiter THE INCREDIBLE TWO-HEADED
TRANSPLANT (1971) wherein Bruce Dern as the scientist grafts a murderer’s head
onto a large, child-minded adult with predictably catastrophic results.
Here, the tone initially appears straight. Re-invigorated
horror genre star Ray Milland plays Dr Kershner, ‘one of the foremost
transplant specialists in the world’, a paraplegic scientist with a bitter
racist streak. This is clearly signposted early on as he tries to fire his new
young black staff surgeon Dr Fred Williams (Don Marshall) under a pretence of
budgetary cuts. His sneer of racist disgust is accentuated by condescending
Fred with faint praise as a mere ‘lab man’.
Clandestinely, Dr Kershner is experimenting in the field of
head transplants and has already grafted a second bonce onto an adult gorilla. The
evident ‘guy in a monkey suit’ soon makes a break for it and in lieu of
strangling his agent ransacks a mini-mart till he’s cornered, both heads
enjoying a banana each.
Kershner’s colleague is Dr Desmond, amusingly portrayed here
by Roger Perry, a man whose gift for science is rivalled only by his talent for
understatement. On understanding the near immortality offered by such
transplants on humans he mutters “This could revolutionise the whole profession”.
Of course the deranged Dr Kershner wants to use the
technology for his own head to be given new life atop an uninjured body: ‘Perhaps
someone with an inoperable brain condition’. In ‘70s exploitation cinema,
that’s a broad field of opportunity. His inhuman selfishness extends to
demanding the operation be carried out in secret to avoid public ‘scrutiny’. A prison
is contacted and a hilarious speech by an officer over the tannoy invites a
volunteer to come forward from Death Row - with the comforting thought that
should the operation be fatal they would have the ‘personal satisfaction that
your life has aided humanity and the scientific world’. (Maybe medical altruism
is the last thing on a condemned man’s mind?)
A wrongly-convicted hulking black man Jack Moss (former pro
football player Rosey Grier) is about to be given the electric chair. Another
possibly unintended laugh is the officer who prefaces the juice with ‘More
power to you, brother’. Jack’s reaction is understandably non-plussed. He’s
about to get a very unnatural dose of said power coursing through his body.
With nothing to lose, he decides to go for the experiment and before long we
cut to the operating theatre.
Leaving aside the queasy unintended(?) racism of going from
a gorilla to a large black human subject, the operation is a success.
Curiously, in the sequence where Kershner’s severed head is moved across, it
looks more convincing in close-up than in a wide shot. The one fly in the
ointment is that on waking, Dr Desmond has to break the news to Kershner that
he’s now sharing a body with a member of his racial enemy. On seeing his big meaty arm raise up, Milland
comically responds: ‘‘Is this some kind of a joke?’
The premise is now set for Jack to go on the run to prove
his innocence of the original crime attached to the unwilling and appalled (at
times crap papier-mache) head of Kershner who continually schemes to hijack the
whole body for himself. This conflict echoes the serious intent of the
Curtis/Poitier film The DEFIANT ONES (1958) where a bigoted white and a black
prisoner are grudgingly forced into racial harmony by being shackled together
through a prison break and beyond. Here though it’s played for preposterous
fun, including a wild cross-country car-chase on motorcycle (with Fred on the
back) versus a redneck set of Keystone Kops police cars. Amongst the carnage,
the police ham-string themselves. “What kind of assistance do you require?”
asks the base of one of its’ vehicles after a crash.
“Well, a tow-truck would be nice” groans the defeated
driver.
Along the way, AIP also pulls off a well-used exploitation
trick of theirs by inserting all-too-obvious stock footage from a desert
scramble bike event into our unlikely heroes’ chase
Eventually, the three (ish) wind up using Jack’s
girlfriend’s pad as a hideout. She could also use some acting classes as her
underplaying is surely not meant to be so bad. On seeing her escaped lover sharing his body
with a white-man’s head for the first time: ‘You get into more shit…’, she
dead-pans. Her mind swiftly computes side-benefits though. “Do you have two of
anything else?” Later, in a private moment with Fred, she also demonstrates the
same gift for understatement as Dr Desmond, defending Jack’s innocence: “He
certainly doesn’t deserve what he’s getting”
Kershner’s lack of principles as well as his bigotry knows
no bounds. He secretly attempts to persuade Fred to help him amputate Jack’s
head in return for claiming all the medical credit from Desmond as the original
operating surgeon. No dice. At one point elsewhere, unbeknownst Desmond defends his
unscrupulous boss with a hugely funny throwaway mumble of back-story: ‘He’s not
had an easy life…Even his childhood’.
If the evidence so far isn’t enough to convince you of the
film’s deliberate parodying, listen to the car radio newscastor who plays an
interview with the failed police officer from the chase; ““I’ll get ‘im. I’ll
get the b-“ before being cut off.
Finally, Fred does the decent thing and removes Kershner’s
head. It is left at his house awaiting Desmond plaintively: “Philip. Get me
another body please.” We are left with the joyful trio of Fred, Jackie and his
girlfriend driving off singing ‘Oh Happy Day’
THE THING WITH TWO HEADS is a two-headed, wrong-headed pleasure…
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